TOP 10 THINGS TO DO AT PHILLIES GAME BESIDES PUKING ON PEOPLE

TOP THINGS TO DO AT A PHILLIES GAME INSTEAD OF PUKING ON PEOPLE

10.) Actually watch the game…..This doesn’t happen often when I go, but when it does, it’s usually a Phillies victory or I at least can make fun of friends who bet big on the game but the Phillies lose. Also if you get to watch the game it brings me to my number 8 I mean 9

9.) Listen to Dan Baker…Chances are if you’re at Mcfaddens you can’t really hear Dan Baker, you can only hear a Lady Gaga song blasting, or some idiot guy on an acoustic guitar singing “she only cums when she’s on top” (yeah I know the real name of the song I just wanted to say “she only cums when she’s on top)….Dan Baker announcing Placido Polanco is close to Harry announcing it….and since Harry passed (past Larry David lol)….Baker is the best voice in Philly this side of Merrill Reese…we have left…

8.) walking around the stadium looking at hot chicks….Sorry girls this one doesn’t really apply to you unless you’re lesbian. I mean it’s tough, as a girl, trying to walk around and look for hot guys when every single guy in Philly has some stupid Phillies jersey on.  It’s not like there’s in-shape 25 year old guys running around with next to nothing on….And think about this….if there were, it wouldn’t be a Phillies game it would be some dumb sweaty Cave-like strip joint and you’d have Dan Baker announcing while a guy ran around the stadium with a banana in his hand…Now that I’d like to see….I swear I’m not gay…

7.) Eating a sausage at one of those Hatfield grill places. For whatever reason the sausages (and I’m not talking about Dan Baker although from what I hear he has a lot to offer to theeeeeee ladddddddies(in Dan Baker’s voice) (uh ooh the dreaded parentheses within another parentheses I doubt I can get away with making a LISP joke))) are great at Citizen’s Bank Park. They cook them just right on those frying surface thingy pans they have, and they put them on a regular long roll instead of a goofy soggy hot dog roll.  So next time you’re there and you normally get like a regular hot dog or cheesesteak try a sausage they’re damn good…

6.) Schmitters….Listen I don’t like onions so I rarely get a Schmitter. But think about this, where else are you going to get or even have the time to put togehter a sandwich that has thousand island dressing, cheesesteak, salami, onions and tomato? Puke yet? If so, just don’t puke on an 11 year old girl and her cop father…..If you didn’t puke, get a schmitter and relive the glory days of someone daring you to make a sandwich out of what was left in the house when you were 11…..Oh… and be careful, if you also don’t like onions or tomatoes the schmitter Nazis might say we’re not making it fucking that way and just turn you away from the counter…I swear to God this almost happened to me when i tried to order one without onions about 4 years ago…The guy gave me the look of death the whole time he had to special order me a schmitter like it was this holy grail of a frigging sandwich….

5.) Since these are probably the bottom 2 of the food things to eat i’ll group them together. Chickies and Pete’s fries and Tony Luke’s roast pork sandwiches. The Chickies and Pete’s fries are pretty good and for whatever weird reason they never fill you up, which is terrible and great at the same time. I swear, if I was even remotely hungry and I had no food conscience whatsover I could eat Chickie’s and Pete’s fries for 7 straight days without getting full…and on the 7th day Tom was full….As far as Tony Luke’s pork sandwiches go,  I’ve only had one at the ballpark and it was ok.  I still think that you need to get it made to order at the regular location at Oregon and under 95…and How funny is that? That there’s a famous Philadelphia eatery that is literally under 95….well almost anyway…

4.) smoke heaters…I used to smoke when I drank (thank God i quit now i just need to quit drinking) and really the segregation they have going down at the ballpark has turned into a mini-festival of sorts. They have designated hoarding zones where they make the smokers all group together so they can have kind of like a mini-version of Mcfaddens for smokers….I also wanted to say heaters again because it’s the best term of all time for cigarettes…

3.) hang out in Ashburn Alley…This has become harder and harder to do, as the team as played so well that Ashburn Alley is really mobbed…But on a week night game in May or something this might turn out to be the place to not pay attention to the game.

2.) Go to Mcfaddens….Now the same with number 3 the last few games I’ve been to…it’s been  so mobbed with people that it’s almost impossible to get in Mcfaddens without waiting in a 20 minute let’s scan your ticket line…But once you do get in there they have a really good TV setup as well as some very hot beer tub girls. How funny must the beer tub girl interview process be? I see on your resume you have large breasts and a bubbly personality. Wait a second it says here you won’t talk to overweight guys in Chase Utley jerseys we may only be able to hire you as an intern, and will only hire you as a beer intern if you at least smile at overweight guys in Chase Utley jerseys….btw did you really feel the need to write that you have large breasts I mean I am staring at them now? Also the guy who gets to interview the beer tub girls, you know his name is like Sean/Gary or something and he’s real serious saying things like, we run a really tight beer tub girl ship here, I expect you to respect your skimpy uniform, and smile at every nice young man that enters Mcfaddens even if he’s literally trying to count the number of freckles near your left nipple…Also the beer tub girls also try to treat the women in Mcfaddens ultra-nice which might even be the harder thing to do since all the other women are just looking at them with slut in their eyes….Alright I’ve said enough, Mcfaddens is a  great place, lots of Phillies fans having a good time, easy to get a beer even when it’s completely mobbed, and most importantly beer tub girls.

1.) hearing Harry sing high hopes after a Philly victory

Leave a Reply