Player coach….player coach

April 19th, 2010

I’m stealing this idea from Bill Simmons, but I think the Sixers should seriously consider signing some old point guard and have him be player coach. Think about it, not only do you save the money but you generate a ton of interest at least for the first 20 or so games during the season. And if he sucks then you just bring in a coach. I don’t see a downside to it at all besides the backlash about it being a complete circus. But, if I were Ed Stefanski I’d just shrug off the circus notions and say hey we’re trying something different…Candidates for player coach could be (I’ll leave out Andre Miller (ouch))….Some unrestricted free agents….Steve Blake….Earl Boykins….Juwan Howard…….and ready for this the perfect player coach Grant Hill

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO AT PHILLIES GAME BESIDES PUKING ON PEOPLE

April 18th, 2010

TOP THINGS TO DO AT A PHILLIES GAME INSTEAD OF PUKING ON PEOPLE

10.) Actually watch the game…..This doesn’t happen often when I go, but when it does, it’s usually a Phillies victory or I at least can make fun of friends who bet big on the game but the Phillies lose. Also if you get to watch the game it brings me to my number 8 I mean 9

9.) Listen to Dan Baker…Chances are if you’re at Mcfaddens you can’t really hear Dan Baker, you can only hear a Lady Gaga song blasting, or some idiot guy on an acoustic guitar singing “she only cums when she’s on top” (yeah I know the real name of the song I just wanted to say “she only cums when she’s on top)….Dan Baker announcing Placido Polanco is close to Harry announcing it….and since Harry passed (past Larry David lol)….Baker is the best voice in Philly this side of Merrill Reese…we have left…

8.) walking around the stadium looking at hot chicks….Sorry girls this one doesn’t really apply to you unless you’re lesbian. I mean it’s tough, as a girl, trying to walk around and look for hot guys when every single guy in Philly has some stupid Phillies jersey on.  It’s not like there’s in-shape 25 year old guys running around with next to nothing on….And think about this….if there were, it wouldn’t be a Phillies game it would be some dumb sweaty Cave-like strip joint and you’d have Dan Baker announcing while a guy ran around the stadium with a banana in his hand…Now that I’d like to see….I swear I’m not gay…

7.) Eating a sausage at one of those Hatfield grill places. For whatever reason the sausages (and I’m not talking about Dan Baker although from what I hear he has a lot to offer to theeeeeee ladddddddies(in Dan Baker’s voice) (uh ooh the dreaded parentheses within another parentheses I doubt I can get away with making a LISP joke))) are great at Citizen’s Bank Park. They cook them just right on those frying surface thingy pans they have, and they put them on a regular long roll instead of a goofy soggy hot dog roll.  So next time you’re there and you normally get like a regular hot dog or cheesesteak try a sausage they’re damn good…

6.) Schmitters….Listen I don’t like onions so I rarely get a Schmitter. But think about this, where else are you going to get or even have the time to put togehter a sandwich that has thousand island dressing, cheesesteak, salami, onions and tomato? Puke yet? If so, just don’t puke on an 11 year old girl and her cop father…..If you didn’t puke, get a schmitter and relive the glory days of someone daring you to make a sandwich out of what was left in the house when you were 11…..Oh… and be careful, if you also don’t like onions or tomatoes the schmitter Nazis might say we’re not making it fucking that way and just turn you away from the counter…I swear to God this almost happened to me when i tried to order one without onions about 4 years ago…The guy gave me the look of death the whole time he had to special order me a schmitter like it was this holy grail of a frigging sandwich….

5.) Since these are probably the bottom 2 of the food things to eat i’ll group them together. Chickies and Pete’s fries and Tony Luke’s roast pork sandwiches. The Chickies and Pete’s fries are pretty good and for whatever weird reason they never fill you up, which is terrible and great at the same time. I swear, if I was even remotely hungry and I had no food conscience whatsover I could eat Chickie’s and Pete’s fries for 7 straight days without getting full…and on the 7th day Tom was full….As far as Tony Luke’s pork sandwiches go,  I’ve only had one at the ballpark and it was ok.  I still think that you need to get it made to order at the regular location at Oregon and under 95…and How funny is that? That there’s a famous Philadelphia eatery that is literally under 95….well almost anyway…

4.) smoke heaters…I used to smoke when I drank (thank God i quit now i just need to quit drinking) and really the segregation they have going down at the ballpark has turned into a mini-festival of sorts. They have designated hoarding zones where they make the smokers all group together so they can have kind of like a mini-version of Mcfaddens for smokers….I also wanted to say heaters again because it’s the best term of all time for cigarettes…

3.) hang out in Ashburn Alley…This has become harder and harder to do, as the team as played so well that Ashburn Alley is really mobbed…But on a week night game in May or something this might turn out to be the place to not pay attention to the game.

2.) Go to Mcfaddens….Now the same with number 3 the last few games I’ve been to…it’s been  so mobbed with people that it’s almost impossible to get in Mcfaddens without waiting in a 20 minute let’s scan your ticket line…But once you do get in there they have a really good TV setup as well as some very hot beer tub girls. How funny must the beer tub girl interview process be? I see on your resume you have large breasts and a bubbly personality. Wait a second it says here you won’t talk to overweight guys in Chase Utley jerseys we may only be able to hire you as an intern, and will only hire you as a beer intern if you at least smile at overweight guys in Chase Utley jerseys….btw did you really feel the need to write that you have large breasts I mean I am staring at them now? Also the guy who gets to interview the beer tub girls, you know his name is like Sean/Gary or something and he’s real serious saying things like, we run a really tight beer tub girl ship here, I expect you to respect your skimpy uniform, and smile at every nice young man that enters Mcfaddens even if he’s literally trying to count the number of freckles near your left nipple…Also the beer tub girls also try to treat the women in Mcfaddens ultra-nice which might even be the harder thing to do since all the other women are just looking at them with slut in their eyes….Alright I’ve said enough, Mcfaddens is a  great place, lots of Phillies fans having a good time, easy to get a beer even when it’s completely mobbed, and most importantly beer tub girls.

1.) hearing Harry sing high hopes after a Philly victory

What Would Tyler Durden Do…

April 15th, 2010

Great web site – this is kind of what i’m aiming for except i don’t give a shit about celebrities - maybe I should rename the web site what would vanilla afro do. But if I did, I doubt anyone would care what I would do…. But it is a good idea. Tyler Durden should follow me around with a camera all day…it would be a really fun time telling me  I should get tummy tucks and new fashions and all kinds aesthetic bullshit…But I think if he did that his site would eventually fail and have to change it’s name to what would tyler durden do for money

Thank God Roller Derby is back

April 15th, 2010

Thank God Roller Derby is back! – I just never understood in any other kind of racing sport why they didn’t sling shot people more

TOP HARRY KALAS THINGS IN HONOR OF THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF HIS PASSING

April 13th, 2010

TOP HARRY KALAS THINGS

HE CALLED CIGARETTES HEATERS, A COLD ONE AND A HEATER (CLASSIC)

HIM SAYING ANY LATIN NAME BUT ESPECIALLY ALEJAAAAAAAAAAANDRO PEEEEEENYYYYYA

HE WAS NICE TO EVERYONE IN PUBLIC AND LOVED SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS

HE HATED WHEELS BECAUSE WHEELS WAS EXACTLY LIKE CARPE FROM AUTOFOCUS, DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT SEE THE MOVIE, YOU WON’T BE DISSAPOINTED!
HIS VOICE IS LIKE NO ONE ELSE’S EVER…

HE HAD TO OF BEEN A GREAT GUY EVERYONE SAYS HE WAS! AND OPINIONS DON’T ALWAYS MATTER BUT YOU’VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE SAY A BAD THING ABOUT HIM…EXCEPT FOR WHEELS, BUT SCREW WHEELS

NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY SAY MICHAEL JACK SCHMIDT ANY BETTER

NO ONE ELSE COULD MAKE JUAN SAMUEL LOOK EXCITING

NO ONE ELSE COULD MAKE DON CARMAAAAAAAAAN LOOK LIKE A GOOD PITCHER

NO ONE ELSE CAN GET AWAY WITH WEARING WHITE LOAFERS (EXCEPT FOR ME IN MY CHEAP SALES MAN HALLOWEEN COSTUME)

I SWEAR I’M NOT YELLING I’M JUST TOO LAZY TO TURN CAPSLOCK OFF

LOVE YA, MISS YA!

BEST BAND NAMES EVER

April 13th, 2010

BEST BAND NAMES EVER IF I MISSED ANY GOOD ONES KEEP IT GOING AND MAKE A COMMENT!

10.) G LOVE AND THE SPECIAL SAUCE – G. Love isn’t just a really cool manager at Mcdonalds

9.) RATT – I mean thinking of something inventive is one thing, making a 1 syllable word spelled wrong cool is another, they figured it out

8.) DEF LEPPARD – awesome hair, awesome outfits, mastered the woooooooOOOOOH in so many 80′s songs, still to this day work the crowd, and have chicks in their 40′s crying and even a few chicks in their 20′s mullets are just that hot to chicks

7.) LED ZEPPELIN – the key to a great band name might be spelling at least one word wrong and it just sounding cool

6.) AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE – this just rolls off the tongue even though you might as well be listening to someone scratching a chalkboard

5.) NWA – Not going to go into details but a great band name nonetheless

4.) Parliament Funkadelic Orchestra – awesome name, awesome outfits and one of the funkiest rock/funk/soul bands ever this side of James Brown

3.) GWAR – this just screams guys that would kill small children and if you’ve ever seen a picture of this band you’d believe they have

2.) B-52′s – who said good band names have to be long. The B-52′s is a solid name and one of the funniest parts about this band is that these are the last people you’d ever want to be protecting you in a time of war.

1.) Frank Sinatra – I don’t care that it’s not a band, if you don’t like Frank go Fudge yourself

TOP 10 FUNNY THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN AT A JIMMY JOHNSON EXTENZE DINNER

April 9th, 2010

TOP 10 FUNNY THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN AT A JIMMY JOHNSON EXTENZE DINNER (THEY MIGHT HAPPEN ALREADY WHO KNOWS)

10.) JIMMY JOHNSON ANNOUNCES TO THE WORLD HE HAS CHANGED HIS NAME TO DICK “BIG BALLS” JOHNSON

9.) THEY ONLY SERVE HOT KIELBASA, ITALIAN SAUSAGE, AND THE CUPS ARE SHAPED LIKE BANANAS

8.) JIMMY JOHNSON YELLS HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS, WITH HIS FLY DOWN….OR EVEN SILLIER HE PRONOUNCES BOYS BALLS….HOW BOUT THEM COWBALLS (YEAH YA GET THE PICTURE I KNOW)

7.) JOHN WAYNE BOBBIT IS A GUEST SPEAKER AT THE DINNER AND RIGHT AFTER YOU FINISH EATING YOUR MEAL HE EXPLAINS IN GRAPHIC DETAIL HOW HE SEWED ON HIS……I’VE SAID ENOUGH

6.) MICHAEL IRVIN IS A GUEST SPEAKER AT THE DINNER AND THE WHOLE TIME HE IS WHISPERING TO YOU SCREW THIS PILL SHIT, I COULD REALLY GO FOR SOME CRACK RIGHT NOW!!!!

5.) EMMITT SMITH ANNOUNCES THAT NOT ONLY THAT HIS BEARD IS WEIRD,  BUT ALSO HIS TESTICLES ARE COLORED LIKE HIS CHESTICLES

4.) THE MOOSE REVEALS THAT EVERY TIME HE SAID “BACK TO YOU GOOSE”,  HE WAS REFERRING TO HIS MEMBER

3.) TROY AIKMAN REVEALS THAT HE DOESN’T NEED EXTENZE BECAUSE HE’S NO LONGER A PITCHER,  STRICTLY ONLY A CATCHER

2.) ROGER STAUBACH REVEALS THAT EVEN THOUGH HE’S BEEN RETIRED FOR SEVERAL YEARS HE’S NO LONGER CALLED THE DODGER BUT ROGER THE COGER AND HAS APPEARED IN SUCH FILMS AS  “OLD COWBOYS AND YOUNG INDIANS”, AS CUSTARD,  “I MAY BE OLD BUT I CAN STILL THROW IT IN HER”, AS HIMSELF,  AND “CODGER STORIES” 1,2,3, AND 27 AS DETECTIVE DODGER CODGER

1.) ED “TOO TALL” JONES IN A TEARY EYED SPEECH TALKS ABOUT LIFE, FAMILY, AND BEING “TOO SMALL” IN THE PANTS

TOP 10 REASONS THEY SHOULD REMAKE THE MOVIE HOOSIERS

April 8th, 2010

10.) CAUSE GENE HACKMAN STILL LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME

9.) JIMMY CHITWOOD CAN DUNK NOW

8.) CAUSE THINK OF HOW FUN IT WOULD BE TO CAST THE DENNIS HOPPER ROLE NOW

7.) CAUSE IT’S TOUGH FINDING A GUY WHO CAN HIT A JUMPER THAT HAS A LISP SO IT’S FUN CASTING THE NEW JIMMY CHITWOOD TOO

6.) CAUSE EVERY OTHER HOLLYWOOD MOVIE HAS BEEN RUINED AND REDONE WHY NOT THE GREATEST SPORTS MOVIE?

5.) BECAUSE BARBARA HERSHEY DIDN’T GET NAKED BUT OUR NEW LEADING LADY WILL

4.) BECAUSE THE REAL LIFE NCAA TOURNAMENT HOOSIERS (THE HIGHSCHOOL TEAM DID AS POINTED OUT BY SKIKS) COULDN’T PULL IT OFF (BUTLER)

3.) BECAUSE I DON’T CARE WHO THE NEW COACH IS (I WAS ONLY JOKING ABOUT HACKMAN), IT’S WORTH SEEING SOMEONE ELSE SAY POP THE BALL POP IT!!!

2.) BECAUSE LARRY BIRD IS FINALLY READY TO START AN OLD GUY ACTING CAREER AS THE COACH OF HICKORY

1.) IT WOULD BE NICE TO SEE AN ALL WHITE BASKETBALL TEAM DOMINATE AGAIN, ALTHOUGH IN THE REMAKE I WOULDN’T MIND SEEING
GARY COLEMAN PLAY OLLIE

NFL Schedule thoughts

April 8th, 2010

If the NFL doesn’t put The Eagles vs. Skins as the first regular season game of the season then I seriously question their marketing strategy (I hope they do it!)…Also you know if they do do it they’re sadly not going to make the first game in Philly because they’re afraid of the fans…But it would be awesome if they made it the first game in Philly.

I want to find out….

April 8th, 2010

Tiger Woods Nike commercial shamelessly using his father who passed away talking about something else to make it look like he’s talking about Tiger’s cheating

I want to find out if this look was the look he had on his face right before his wife hit him with the 9 iron

I want to find out why all the sudden having sex with lots of hot chicks while married which used to be called cheating is now a mental illness

I want to find out if Tiger had a threesome with any of these chicks with Fuzzy Zoeller and if any of those same hot chicks moaned Give  it to me Fuzzy, Give it to me Tiger, (NO give it to me Fuzzy Tiger) in unison or back and forth….I’m just that inquisitive of a guy

I want to find out if Tiger met any of these chicks at a Jimmy Johnson Extenze dinner. I also want to know who else goes to Jimmy Johnson Extenze dinners, this has brought selling out to a whole new level.